What to Say to Someone Who Just Got Dumped: Comforting, Cheering, and Maybe Even Roasting Their Ex

Ah, breakups. The emotional rollercoaster that no one voluntarily buys a ticket for, yet somehow, we all end up riding at some point. Whether your friend got ghosted, dumped via text (rude!), or just had "the talk", they need you now more than ever. The question is: what do you say to someone who just got dumped?

Fear not! These steps will help you craft the perfect balance of comfort, humour, and maybe even a little well-timed pettiness (because, let’s be honest, sometimes it’s warranted). Plus, we’ll show you how a well-chosen greeting card can say what words sometimes can't.

Step One: Validate and Vent

The first rule of breakups? Nobody wants unsolicited advice. What they do want is validation—so before you break out the pep talks, just listen. Then, when the tears (or the expletives) start flowing, hit ‘em with some of these go-to responses:

• “That sucks. Like, truly, horrifically sucks. If I could, I’d take all your pain away"
• “They clearly didn’t appreciate how amazing you are. But don’t worry, I do—and I’ve got ice cream to prove it.”
• “Do you want to vent, cry, or do a dramatic reading of their last text message?”

Step Two: Roast (But Responsibly)

Let’s be real: sometimes, the best way to get over an ex is to roast them like a Thanksgiving turkey. However, this should be done responsibly—no dragging up their insecurities (we’re not monsters), but instead, some light, playful jabs at their bad habits, weird quirks, or questionable fashion choices.

• “Honestly, I always thought their obsession with [insert niche interest] was borderline concerning.”
• “You’re free now—free from listening to them talk about cryptocurrency for HOURS.”
• “Let’s be real, they peaked in high school. You, on the other hand, are still on the rise.”

Bonus points if you gift your friend a breakup-themed greeting card—like one that calls them garbage...

Step Three: Distract and Delight

Your newly single friend is currently spiralling between heartbreak and rage-texting. Your job? Provide distractions! Fun, engaging, ridiculous distractions.

• Plan an adventure: “Let’s go axe throwing and pretend the target is their dumb face.”
• Dive into nostalgia: “It’s time for a comfort movie marathon. I’m talking ‘Legally Blonde,’ ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary,’ and every rom-com where the ex gets totally owned.”
• Suggest revenge...the healthy way: “The best revenge is living well. And looking hot. Let’s get you a glow-up, stat.”

Step Four: The Pep Talk

Once the initial wave of emotions has passed, it’s time for some real talk. The key here? Make them feel empowered, not pitied.

• “Look, I get it. It hurts. But one day soon, you’re going to wake up and realize that your life is actually better without them.”
• “You didn’t lose a soulmate—you lost someone who didn’t fully appreciate you. That’s their loss, not yours.”
• “Breakups are like exfoliation—painful at first, but in the end, you come out glowing and better than ever.”

Step Five: Help Them Move On (Or At Least Laugh About It)

As much as your friend might want to wallow, there comes a time when they need to move forward. That doesn’t mean they have to jump into dating apps (unless they want to, in which case, help them craft an A+ profile). It just means helping them rediscover themselves.

• Encourage a fun hobby: “Let’s get you into something that makes you feel amazing. Pottery? Kickboxing? 
• Remind them of their worth: “You deserve someone who texts back AND knows how to correctly use ‘their,’ ‘they’re,’ and ‘there.’”
• Give them something to laugh at: A hilarious breakup-themed greeting card that says, “Roses are red, violets are blue, your ex is a loser, and so not for you.”

Finally, Just Be the Friend You’d Want During a Breakup

Breakups are brutal, but with the right mix of humour, support, and maybe a well-placed pun, your friend will be back on their feet in no time. The key is to be there for them, make them laugh, and remind them that they’re so much more than a bad relationship.

And hey, if words fail you, let a greeting card do the talking. Because sometimes, a simple “You’re amazing, and their loss is the world’s gain” in a card is all they really need.